It has been difficult for me to accept.   I have fought the reality in my heart and in my soul. My head knows the truth of course.   She and I were one and now…now she is gone. I miss her. I miss that part of a woman only a lover ever knows. A true lover, not just some fling or infatuation.   I miss the things she does, and even more so the way she does them. That unique and beautiful presence that was there, everyday for so long, is now just a memory and its absence is  a void in my heart.

The early years were fraught with poor communication and misunderstanding. Arguments lasting long into the night, brought tumult to such exotic locals as remote beaches off the Oregon coast, the Finnish hot tubs of Arcata and the cave dwellings of Oia. It seemed that a trip to the humane society was to be the end.  Yet we pressed on and the final year and a half was a time of harmony (most of the time). We learned one another’s buttons and, in a new experience for me, we both made the  unspoken agreement not to push those buttons. Discord gave way to harmony. Love had overcome selfishness and petty trifles. We found a love deep and pure, cultivated with care and tenderness. She was my lighthouse and I her rock.

I hate this.  A love so profound, when suddenly absent, leaves an equally profound pain. The pain more sharp and intense from its immediacy and finality.   I hate that, no matter how horrible and encompassing this whole business is, I am powerless to do anything about it.  Neither screaming to the heavens and cursing the cruel fates offer relief.  No words nor actions can bring her now to my arms.   Nor will sacrifices to the old gods relieve me this suffering.

Perhaps she and I shall meet again, perhaps we may even again dance the tango of passion.  Of course I may never again see her face.   With a heart aching, but filled with the memories of a love so grand, I embrace the desert wind as it drives me south, east, wherever it will.   For I must.    Forth into the unknown shall I tumble, filled with the twin parcels of a deeper sense of love and of myself with the abyssal tear in my heart from the great loss of the woman I love. You will always be in my heart Babycakes.  Adios.

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